Releasing the need for approval

Last month I had the incredible opportunity of a month-long Art Residency in a nearby town. This gave me the space and location, and I made the time and set the goals to dedicate to my art - specifically painting.

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My personal goal / project was to create a body of work focused on the enticing, alluring and local Black Swan. It was a journey of profound personal and creative growth. (I've written quite a few blog articles about it all HERE)

The final few days of this Residency was a showcase of the Black Swans in an exhibition - so in between visitors I wanted to work on two potential art competition / exhibition paintings to submit in mid-September.

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The first one, a blossom of sorts, turned out wonderful and will certainly be the painting I submit. The second one - purely so I could choose the best out of two, has been a rollercoaster of a painting.

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It started off from this photo below I took from the top of Mt Field, Tasmania last year. I love the dry, gnarly feel, but also that it has a feeling of snapping. At times this photograph has felt like a bridge, or like two hands stretching out for each other. I find this intriguing and I knew it would be a challenge to paint. However I wouldn't know if, or how it might work until I tried.

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It started off as a sketch, and the sketch was frustrating me with many fine lines, so instead of my usual method of mapping out a painting with pencil, I got out my dark graphite pencil and just focused on the form and main parts. This worked out much better.

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Then, when the time came to add paint, and following after all of the Swans I painted in misty white water, I had the tiniest portion of white paint left. I needed to conserve this teeny amount, so I started blocking in the painting with the colours I had - which were the primary colours (red, yellow and blue) and black.

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I filled in my graphite areas with blue at the darkest areas, red at the mid-tones, and yellow at the lightest tones - generally speaking. These colours intermixed in places making greens, purples, oranges and browns. Then I picked out the very darkest areas with black. See a photo of this first blocking in below.

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At this stage, I was excited, and I kept feeling the artwork represented 'Broken Promises' - and at the time I was mixed up in a strange and surprising family dynamic with my siblings. This inspired me to write this:

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At this stage I was very excited about the prospect of this painting. I found a little spare time over the last weekend in August, during my Art Exhibition, to add some more paint. See below...

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Then the Art Residency was over and I began to add some paint at home - plus I purchased some white paint (yay!) so I could now add white throughout as you will see in the progress image below...

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Aside from my very initial blocking in, this above point in the journey was my favourite - it showed the most potential of the painting, but still had a long way to go before I would be satisfied with it.

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In the meantime, while this painting sat aside for a few days, I began to feel quite self-conscious, impatient and second-guessed (in some cases regretted) some communication I was making in my life.

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A potential opportunity arose that I feel very strongly was 'made for me', but also something I have been preparing a few years for before this opportunity even existed. It had been brewing very quietly for a couple of months, but was becoming more concrete in August, then last week it was properly revealed.

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To take this potential opportunity (it has a selection process), has possibly meant that I will hold two positions of some leadership within this area of my life, and unless I find a suitable replacement I don't feel comfortable relinquishing my year-long role to potentially step into this other that could be ideal for my personality and experience.

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While I have been sitting with this inner and private battle of sorts (I mean it has been hovering inside me, but not majorly at the forefront) I went back into this painting...

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I spent a good 3hrs last night basically wrecking this painting! It started with me adding a lot of detail, so much detail and - like when I started sketching it out - I got lost in the detail! See where it is at below....

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By focusing on the teeny details I lost the general feeling, flow and nature I wanted to portray in this piece. While loosing myself in the detail I lost the piece, or while loosing myself in the details I lost my PEACE!

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So I got out my large brush and thought I'd reintroduce the primary colours, with large gestured strokes.

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I chiseled the form out, looked for interesting passages of texture and colour, not giving up - but I couldn't really find any. So I became even more rebellious and extended the strokes, until the time came when I had had enough.

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I wasn't distraught, as I feel this piece has been very mentally healing, rather than emotional. It went through its 'watery' phases, however ultimately it is quite a 'dry' feeling piece - which I associate with the mind.

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Knowing that everything is connected that I've got going on, on some level - even differing situations, I finally decided to sit with my journal and get my insecurities out onto paper.

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I explored it all, all of my thoughts, emotions and current insecurity in my journal and when I got to exploring the pros and cons of the potential opportunity I still feel drawn to, I couldn't think of anything except two cons, then I wrote that my 'Brain can't think of anything else' - in a light and weary handwriting. So I turned off the light and went quickly into sleep.

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Typically I am quite a visual dreamer at night, and I woke up a few hours later painting in my mind - building form, texture and colour, and then I had a light-bulb moment and could see how my painting, my quiet dilema and this potential opportunity were linked.

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I had to get up, at 2.30am! And this led me to a bunch of motivational writing in my journal, that has led to this article and sorting out the timeline in my head, and bringing it out here - whether I keep this private or share doesn't matter at this stage - for it's just the expression I have needed.

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Now I see what I must do. I did have a rise in insecurity and a slight drop in confidence to get to this point. I now have a personal plan in place and no longer seek approval - at this stage anyway - as approval and acceptance is a part of the process and will follow.

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I can't think of that now, otherwise I hold back, I hesitate, I wait on the sidelines and base my application on what I think is wanted by others, instead of what I feel innovated and motivated to bring to the table.

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In many ways, this failed end-result painting has taught me some very valuable lessons, and it is not about the broken promises, the trust issues or the relationships that have failed. It is about the handshake, the bridge and the reaching out in relationships that have succeeded.

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It is the new partnership and what I can offer creatively and confidently. It is about teamwork, but also bridging the gap between people and other aspects like; music, community, experts and management.

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What's next for this painting? Well, it will get a covering with a colour I am drawn to - probably white :D - and then it can become a blank canvas for a new painting in the future - I am more than happy with that.

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Thank you so much for reading and getting to this point. Let's see what happens next...

Onwards and upwards,

Lee-Anne Peters